2-3-25
I call my first week of my leave of absence my “Hibernation Week.” I left the house as little as possible. I drove Trent to his day program, he had a doctor’s appointment, and I went grocery shopping on a Friday to avoid the weekend crowds. Other than that, I spent the time at home. One morning I dropped Trent off, went home to read in bed, and ended up sleeping all morning with my snuggly boy Willson (one of our cats) right by my side. Other days I napped on the couch with my sweet Meredith (our other cat) right on top of me. It has been a lovely cozy time.
But while my body was resting, my mind was racing with questions. What have I actually done? What’s happening at school? What do the next six months look like? I want answers now! Change has always been hard for me, and staring into a wide expanse of open time is unnerving. I felt that discomfort particularly at the beginning of last week, even as I was enjoying the quiet.
I think I expected that once I was away from school and had a little time to breathe, I would regain my energy quickly, and all of a sudden I would have the answers to all the questions I’ve been grappling with. Of course it doesn’t work that way. As the week went on (and I also had an appointment with my therapist), I could release that a little more. I’ve decided not to push myself too much. I had one Hibernation Week, but maybe I need a few more as I start to venture out a little more from my cozy den. I have realized that the answers are not going to come so quickly, and that there is time. Don’t put pressure on yourself, I keep saying. First focus on rest and healing.
I listened to a podcast (called Poco a Poco) last week where one of the priests said that “healing is letting go of the things you’re not meant to carry in the first place.” (I paraphrase.) Boy, I’ve been carrying a lot the last six and half years. I’ve been carrying the feeling of responsibility that I have to take care of everyone in my life - my husband, my mom, my daughter, my students, etc. But I have forgotten the responsibility I have to myself for taking care of me.
That doesn’t mean I’m going to stop caring about all those people in my life, but the way I have prioritized their happiness, their health, their needs over mine has to change.
So for now, I’m still hibernating. Recharging my energy and my spirit and reflecting on all of these thoughts so I’ll be ready to wake up when spring comes.
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