2-9-25
People say, “expect the unexpected.” This week we are experiencing this adage.
Wednesday evening my husband came home from his adult day program with a cough and runny nose. By Thursday morning, he had a slight fever. Thursday night after his fever spiked to 104 and he couldn’t stand up from his recliner, I made the decision to call 911. It’s always such a hard decision to make. Am I overreacting? Should I be able to get him up and reposition him by myself? The questions and second guessing seem to be endless.
But with such a high fever, this time it seemed clear. It took three EMTs to get him in the correct position on his chair and then to transfer him to the stretcher.
He was admitted to the hospital early Friday morning, testing positive for the flu. He needs oxygen and is so weak that he needs maximum assistance to even sit up at the edge of the bed.
Here we go again. We’ve been here before - it is all too familiar. As we manage this medical crisis, the memories and emotions of the many past stays come flooding back. I’ve been told that caregiver PTSD is real, and it makes the present situation even more fraught with emotions and uncertainty.
The plans I had to take a little getaway this upcoming week have been put on hold. I am grappling with trying to balance being present at the hospital but also needing my time. This was the end of my second week of my leave of absence. I’m frustrated that this is happening at this time, but also relieved that I don’t have to worry about a substitute at school or leaving my colleagues shorthanded.
But this was supposed to be my time. My time to rest, process emotions and grieve, for both the life I thought we would have together and my father who died 10 months ago. I have put everyone else first as I helped my mom, cared for my husband, and worked full time. I’ve just done it. And I have sacrificed myself, my physical and mental health and well being.
So now the questions are, how much time should I spend at the hospital? Can’t I just be home with my kitties? How long will he be here? What happens afterward? Nurses and therapists are talking about sub-acute rehab which I am in favor of so he can get back to baseline and come home. How does this affect my leave and the time I had set aside for myself?
It’s hard to express these feelings because there are so many shoulds. I should want to be there for him all day, every day. I should be able to take care of him myself. I should be prioritizing him right now.
I am grateful I have several people who are advocating for me as much as I have continually advocated for him. People who lovingly but firmly remind me that I have to think of myself. “He is being taken care of in the hospital. Take this time,” they say.
I know they are right, but there is always that voice in my head questioning whether I am doing the right thing for him.
I think the questions are always going to be there. The second guessing is always going to be there. Staying strong in my decisions is my goal, even if the feedback is not supportive.
It’s going to be a long road for me. I want other caregivers to know that I understand. There are always questions, always doubts. But I have to stay on this path of “this leave of absence is for me.” Even if there is this additional bump in the road to figure out.
I know I will figure it out because that is what I have always done. But this time I need to figure it out within the boundaries of “Nikki time.” I hope I am up to the challenge.
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